If I Could Be A Superhero...

I would be, Pregnant Girl.
Le sigh.
So here I am, looking at the Pre-seed websites. What do you guys think? Did it make a difference for you??
I've been using the Clear Blue Easy OPKs (not the smileys) and I can't figure out if I am not ovulating now or if I am just blind and stupid and cannot tell if the line is darker. So I can either buy the CBEFM which I have been debating now for months or buy the CBE smiley OPKs.

Here is my predictament: I am a cheap bitch.
$150 for a glorified computer that I pee on or $30ish a MONTH for 7 sticks. For fucks sake.

Its bad enough we have to go through this. Its bad enough that for the past 3 years I get to the 28th day of my cycle and pray and pray to not get my period. Its bad enough I cry myself to sleep some nights. Its bad enough I feel like a horrible person because I am so happy for my friends who have gotten BFPs but on the other hand, I am so jealous I can barely see straight. Full of jealousy and self-loathing, while still being over the moon for someone else's happiness.

I know a girl that at 21 got pregnant. She found out while her boyfriend was in jail. (The baby daddy) He proceeds to get out of jail and dump her on her ass. So 2 weeks ago at the age of 22 she gave birth to a beautiful, perfect little boy. Am I happy for her? Absolutely.
Do I know in my heart that I am in a better position at the moment? You bet. Does that make me selfish? Yeah, but I'm okay with that. After all this, I am okay with being a little selfish.
I wonder how she will make it work. She waits tables and I believe still lives with her parents. I hope everything works out well for her and if there was ever anything I could do for her, she would just need to ask.

Its incredibly difficult to even talk about this stuff here. These thoughts, worries, fears, emotions, they all run through me 24/7. I know that you thought I was out in the world being awesome 365/24/7. Its true- I am. Don't fear. But behind the awesomeness, is this despair, the need to be someone's Mommy. Its as clear to me as being female. Its just how I feel, its just how it is. The prayers that I send to God over and over, day after day are endless. I can only pray someday He answers them.

On a lighter note: 5/19/2008 JON LESTER vs Kansas City Royals. NO FUCKING HITTER.
I almost went to last night's game. I found out it was Lester and decided not to go because he was the pitcher who blew it at the last game I went to. Boy, was I wrong. GO SOX!!!